Signs of Health, Part 1: Decent Relationships
So often in clinical mental health, we focus on deficiencies, on psychopathology, aka what’s wrong. We don’t often focus on what is right, or where we are going when we aim for good mental health and wellness. In this series, I will be focusing on what are the signs of good health, which to me encompasses physical, mental, emotional, and relational wellbeing.
With that being said, the first–and I argue the most important–sign of wellbeing is decent relationships. Note that I don’t say perfect or even great relationships. The aim is not for perfection but for “good enough”, good enough so that you have a network of support and people you can talk to and turn to when times get tough. And you can provide the same for them. Good enough so that you have friends and family to talk to, to spend time with, to share your life experience with.
I spent a month earlier this year in Taos, New Mexico, home of the Taos Pueblo. According to the Taos Pueblo, the multi-storied building at the heart of the community has been continuously inhabited for over 1000 years. The community has been able to maintain its existence, home and relative autonomy through centuries of first Spanish then American rule. What strikes me through my outsider perspective is the sense of community and identity that continues today.
I come from an Anglo-American perspective, a culture that is much more individualistic. We are taught to make our own way, to be ambitious, to go far and wide to accomplish success. I have been no different. But the toll this lifestyle can involve moving to a new city alone, working all hours, and in recent years interacting with others through a screen or not even interacting at all. Shut downs during covid-19 only made this worse, as we learned to be more comfortable alone, but this trend has been on the rise for many years.
In analyzing wellbeing, a good place to start is Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. He theorized that people have a number of needs that go from the bottom–what is necessary for survival–to the top–self actualization. He states that we must have our physiological needs met first (shelter, food, basic survival needs), then safety, then love and belonging, and then upwards to self esteem and self-actualization. Relationships fit into the love and belonging category, but at the same time, relationships are critical for our basic survival and safety needs. As infants and children, a relationship with a caregiver is necessary to ensure survival and safety.
Even as adults, our survival and safety hinges on community, even if we don’t feel connected on an individual level to that community. We are tribal beings, and apart from a few hermits who live isolated lives apart from the rest of society, we depend on one another. In Into the Wild, Christopher McCandless, who went out into the Alaskan wilderness alone, left an SOS message, hoping someone would come along and save him. He wrote, “happiness is only real if shared.”
It can be said that in our time we are experiencing an epic of loneliness as communities and families fracture and more and more people live alone. This causes a spike in depression and anxiety, and in some cases suicide. This isn’t to say that we can’t be alone, and being able to be alone is powerful. But like McCandless, it is good to be able to be alone and have grand adventures, but being able to share those experiences with others is what makes life meaningful.
So, what can I do?
If you want to grow your relationships, start with asking yourself some questions. You can think about and journal about these questions and take these action steps.
What are the relationships that I value? What decent relationships do I have? How can I improve those relationships? What can I do to show that I value those with whom I have good relationships?
Reach out to the ones you love. Make plans. Talk on the phone.
If I don’t have quality relationships in my life, or if I want to grow more relationships, how can I meet new people?
Start with casual acquaintances or even people you see in passing. Say hello to a neighbor. Talk with your coworkers. Instead of going through the self-checkout line at the store, go through a line with a cashier, and say hello.
Join a group–in real life–with others who have a shared interest. Check out meetup groups, or use social media to find events and groups in your area. Say hello to people once you get there.
Are there relationships that I need to repair? Are there people that I have lost contact with who I should reach out to?
After answering these questions, give yourself a reasonable goal to accomplish regarding building and maintaining decent relationships. Maybe you go to a social event once a week. Or, say hello to a new person or strike up a conversation with a coworker once a day, or once a week. Make your goal achievable.
How can therapy help?
Therapy can help you work through the blocks that have prohibited you from engaging in decent relationships with others. You can:
Engage in couples or family therapy to improve your relationships with loved ones. Your relationship doesn’t have to be in trouble to engage in couples or family therapy. Many couples engage in premarital or pre-commitment therapy to set the groundwork for a healthy relationship. Families can improve communication and relating styles to deepen relationships among family members.
Work through social anxiety that impedes your ability to relate to others and take practical, proactive steps to become increasingly more comfortable in public and social situations.
Work through childhood trauma and adult relationship trauma that impedes development of healthy relationships. You may not have grown up in a family that modeled healthy relationships. You may have lost a parent or been in an abusive relationship. All of these experiences can lead you to isolate yourself and protect yourself from getting hurt. You can end up feeling alone and not being able to trust others. Therapy can help you work through this trauma and help you develop more positive beliefs about yourself and others that can lead to healthy relationships.
Learn about attachment styles that you developed as a young child that can lead you to be anxious in relationships and ultimately sabotage relationships with those you care about (anxious attachment), protect yourself and not get too close to others (avoidant attachment), or a mixture of both (disorganized attachment). You can learn to develop a more secure attachment style through therapy and ultimately learn skills to engage in healthy relationships with others.
Learn skills that help you develop and improve existing relationships, such as interpersonal communication skills, learning to manage your emotions, and learning to be more assertive.
Though we do live in a culture that promotes isolation, it doesn’t have to be this way. You can nurture and develop decent–not perfect–relationships. Your life will become richer and more meaningful as a result.
Interested in beginning therapy? Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation call.
